I had the worst dream of my life last night. It wasn't the scariest. It wasn't the most fear-provoking. It wasn't the saddest, per se. I've definitely woken up crying and weeping more so after other dreams that I've had. However, it was the worst. Maybe because I've never had a dream like this one before. Maybe because I don't understand it, why I had it, where it came from.
The dream started as a flash back. I had to make the decision to put a 4 year old Kingston "down" for some reason. He'd done nothing wrong. He was an innocent, obedient child. Yet, I made the decision "for our sake and for Kingston's sake" to put him down by lethal injection.
Flash forward a few months. I walked into Kingston's empty room. I heard Fiona's voice somewhere in the distance. My heart just sank. This feeling of complete and utter emptiness filled every ounce of my being. I couldn't even muster a tear. I wanted to throw up. I felt completely weak in the knees and that spread to all over my body. I couldn't even stand up anymore. Then, I woke.
I was still in a dream-like daze, yet completely aware of the dream I just had. For a split second, despite being aware, I thought I would never see Kingston again. That feeling was indescribable. It was horrible. For the first time, really, I didn't care to live anymore.
I definitely gave Kingston the biggest hug when I saw him this morning. Coming out of his room with his iPad in hand I had a renewed love for Kingston, for my family, for my friends, for the life He has given us.